I wear glasses. Bad, bad, near-sighted vision. You know, the kind of lenses that made a person's eyes look like B-Bs at the far end of a bowling alley. This was back in the days before hi-tech, polycarbonate lenses thinned the plastic down to normal.
During my induction physical the doctor said I was legally blind without my glasses on. Got me jumpin' up and down, rubbin' my hands together and shoutin', "No Army for this boy!"
"Think again Homer. Bein' blind ain't cause enough to keep you out of the military. You need glasses? We give you glasses. Ugly glasses that go with your uniform." That's what the doctor said. And he went on to add that bein' legally blind didn't keep you from doin' shit. Exceptin' maybe anything worth doin' that didn't involve the possibility of Asian people from shootin' you dead.
All in all, what I learned from that was, in time of war, a man is not much more than a warm body to fill a hole in the ranks or maybe in the ground. That was a good thing to learn but not so easy to accept.
Back when I was a kid my big brother spent his Army time fightin' the good war over in Germany during the '50s. Must have done a good job at it 'cause nary a Russian made a move outside the Iron Curtain during his days there. What he came to learn in the peacetime Army was, if your eyes were bad you didn't have to worry about bein' in the infantry. That's what he told me and that's what I grew up assumin'. Turned out we were wrong.
It was about mid tour when I lost them. Probably wouldn't have happened had I not been in a helpful mood, when I coulda kept my hands to myself 'cause I didn't know what I was doin. You see, our platoon had to cross this river that was too deep to wade. And swimmin' was out of the question with all the gear on our backs. Sink faster than lead. So we commandeered a mama-san with a sampan. An unhappy mama-san with a sampan. And about to get unhappier.
Don't know if it was my record with breakin' down foot bridges but, as usual, I was at the end of the line on the crossover. All went well till our turn. It wasn't that I'd never been a skinny boat before but American canoes are nowhere near as width challenged as a sampan. Those Asian boats were barely ass wide on Twiggy (if you were alive back then, you'll know who she was). Had a big, friendly smile on my face as I used my gun butt to push us off from shore. And immediately roll us into the brink. Boy was mama-san pissed.
Took a moment after I popped to the surface to realize me and my M-16 weren't together anymore. That was a no-no. A rifle was an infantryman's baby. Never do us part. So I started diving in the silt filled river. Kept my eyes closed 'cause whatever was in that water I sure didn't want in my eyes. Couldn't have seen anything through the muck anyhow. Took a couple of trips to the bottom before I found it. Shazam! I was one happy grunt.
Only problem was the world around me. Somehow it'd gone all fuzzy. And my head felt lighter. A quick feelin' of my face told me it was time to start divin' again. Three or four trips and it was time to bag the operation.
Once on shore I was asked if I wanted a dustoff. Bein' the man I am, and that bein' one who's a little slow to pick up on a golden opportunity, I said no. I figured, what the hell, how dangerous could it be walkin' around half blind in a war zone? Simply not smart at all.
As luck would have it - or was it the ghost of irony that seemed to shadow me from the time I spread my cheeks on? - no more than a half hour later we stumbled upon a half dozen VC totin' a mortar, plate tube and all. At least that's what I was told those blobs off in the distance were.
Immediately we sprang into action. First off, I was told to hold my ground and not fire my M-16 under any circumstances. Then two men were assigned to make sure I didn't pull the trigger and maybe protect my useless, blind ass should more of the bad boys show up. Fine with me. Made me feel special.
First Platoon got on line, assaulted and captured the mortar. The VCs took off down the smart road as fast as they could run. Wow! We actually captured weaponry. Got everybody excited like they were actually accomplishing something for a change. Who could blame them?
That night we joined up with the rest of Bravo and set up in the paddies as usual. I couldn't see squat but took my usual turn on watch. Why not? In the dark of the tropical night none of us could see anything anyhow.
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